Vampire Barbie
by Marie1964
Summary: Barbie wants to become a vampire.


Warning: Complete and utter Crackfic ahead; the product of a mind at 5:00 in the morning. I don't own the copyrights to any of the products mentioned in this story.

It was a completely sunny day outside, and just as figuratively sunny inside, the Barbie Dream House. Barbie and Ken were looking through the latest career brochure that had just been sent to their house, courtesy of Mailman Ken. They had just finished a perfectly lovely breakfast, had read the newspaper where nothing bad ever happens; the birds were singing, and Stacie was outside playing. They were sitting down on their couch. All in all, it was a completely lovely, perfect day.

"You know Ken, this is a completely lovely and perfect day," Barbie said, looking her beloved in the eye while still holding onto the brochure.

"I know. Isn't it wonderful?" Ken asked.

Barbie smiled her completely lovely, perfect smile… before it quickly turned into a frown.

"What's wrong?" Ken asked. "Such a pretty face should not be graced by such an ugly frown."

"Well, I've been thinking about this for a while," Barbie began, slowly and tentatively at first. "Everything about our lives are so perfect- we live in a perfect house, with perfect pets, and never want for anything. Tell me- who lives like this?"

"Us?" Ken replied, not sure at what his girlfriend was getting at.

"I mean besides that."

"Parisan Heelton?"

"No, I mean _besides_ that," she replied. She was really getting annoyed at her husband's apparent lack of common sense by now.

"Nobody?" he finally ventured.

"Exactly! We're old news. Nobody wants to play with us anymore because we're not current with the times. But I know how we can fix that," she said, with a perfectly bubbly smile that was reminiscent of her old self.

"You do? How?" Ken asked, wondering what Barbie's plans were while learning in closer to hear what she had to say.

Barbie swept her hand in front of her, as though she was pointing out a movie marquee. "Imagine this…Vampire Barbie! Ken, I want to become a vampire!"

It was at this moment that Ken had become completely speechless, and his eyes grew as wide as dinner plates. After about thirty seconds of being shocked silent, he discovered that he had found his voice. "A.. a what?" he managed to get out while stammering.

"A vampire! Think about it- all the young girls love that _Twilight_ franchise. A classic like us with a modern vampire twist would be the talk of the town! It would be perfect."

By now, her talk had made Ken completely alarmed. "Dear, are you feeling all right? Should I call Doctor Barbie?"

"That's what I'm talking about! There's regular Barbie, Doctor Barbie, Swan Princess Barbie, Rapunzel Barbie- I could go on forever! But there isn't a vampire Barbie! Think about it; think about how famous I would become if I was the first Vampire Barbie!"

"But… well, vampires drink blood and kill people! I don't think that's exactly upholding the Barbie image, and I don't think parents would be very happy about that."

"Ken, do you know what your problem is?" she asked, finding that she had become annoyed again. "You live too much in the past. Edward doesn't kill Bella. He protects her in that first movie from those who would harm her. Plus, he glitters. Wouldn't it be awesome if I was all glittery and stuff?"

"Well, I suppose that's true," Ken relented while shrugging. "But still, if you became a vampire, how do you know that you would glitter? Maybe you would be completely grotesque."

"Well, there's only one way to find out….I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of inviting Barbie Collector Twilight Saga Edward over."

"You did what?" Ken asked, finding that he had to stop himself from shouting at the top of his lungs. After all, Kens just don't get angry at their Barbies. They're too charming for that.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. Quickly and excitedly, Barbie got up from the couch and ran to the doorbell.

"Hi, I'm Edward," the tall, handsome, slightly brooding man said as soon as Barbie had opened the door. "You called for me?"

"Yes, my name is Barbie, and I did call for you. I'm going to get straight to the point, Mr. Cullen. I want you to turn me into a vampire."

"I don't think Bella is going to be happy about that, but ok. Besides, I'm getting tired of her always getting in danger and not being able to choose between me and Jacob. Everybody knows that I'm the better man for her anyway."

"Yeah, sure you are," Ken said, rolling his eyes while still sitting down on the couch.

Quicker than humanly possible, Edward rushed past Barbie and was standing in front of Ken. "What did you say, pretty boy?" he asked while glaring at her.

"You're a freak, a monster! Besides, in the first movie you were watching over Bella while she was sleeping. Don't you think that's a little creepy?"

Edward was about to grab Ken by his shirt collar, but quickly decided that this man wasn't worth the time. "Hey, don't blame me. I just do whatever that writer chick tells me to do. It's not her fault that she made me all glittery and stuff."

By now, Barbie had closed the door and was standing in front of Ken, next to Edward. "What do you mean? Don't you like being glittery?"

Edward looked at Barbie as though she had gone completely crazy, before quickly shaking his head back-and-forth. "Are you kidding me? All the other vampires make fun of me. I'm no Dracula, that's for sure. Sure, I don't want to kill people, but at least most of the other vampires are all grown-up. Me? I'm stuck in high school for the rest of my life. It's like that writer chick never even heard of being homeschooled or something."

"Oh, you poor man," Barbie said, before quickly giving Edward a hug. Ken could only roll his eyes once again. "So, how does this work, exactly?"

"Easy. I drain you of your blood, you die, and then you're reborn as a vampire," he replied, as though it was a matter-of-fact thing to say.

"Cool! Let's get started," Barbie replied, as she led the way to her and Ken's bedroom….

They emerged several hours later. Edward had wiped the blood from his mouth, and Barbie emerged, as beautiful as ever. She was rather pale, and when she stepped into the fading afternoon sunlight, she was glittering as brightly as possible.

"So, what do we do now?" Barbie asked.

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat?" Edward asked, holding out his hand so that Barbie could take hold of it, which she did.

"Sure," she happily replied. With that, they drove off in her hot pink Barbie car, leaving Ken and Stacie to stand there and do nothing except watch them leave.


End file.
